i rent in kind of a mediocre condo building and know exactly none of my neighbors by name, which is fine by me. however, one i know on sight is a dude who lives next to me. before i get into my ill-advised story, which edward will probably chide me for writing, i will provide a brief synopsis of what i know about mr. neighbor:

• despite being approximately early middle-aged, he seems to be at home during the day every day - this has been the case since i've lived in the building

• his uniform consists of a dark t-shirt with its sleeves cut off. said shirt manages to expose an unsavory expanse of oddly tanned chest and is always paired with ratty shorts

• saw him cut in front of a huge line at the starbucks near my house so that he could get a refill of coffee in a gnarly paper starbucks cup that he carries around when he's outside the apartment building

• his hair looks like it would rather be gnawing down trees to build a dam

to top it off, his social skills appear to be rudimentary at best. as opposed to mine, which are whatever the next level above rudimentary is.