i ride the bus to work.

sure, it's convenient, cheap, good for the environment, etc., etc., ad infinitum. i guess the only downside is that the overall experience totally sucks.

hands-down, the worst is when it's raining. you realize, yes, that's everyone's bad breath and sweat fogging up the window you're leaning against. then someone sits down next to you and drips their wet umbrella all over your leg.

which is why i've spent so much time perfecting my approach to getting my own seat on the bus (or train). and i'm happy to share a few time-tested techniques.

please note: all my techniques are based on subtle, non-verbal cues. despite what you might assume about me based on general demeanor and outlook, i disapprove of rude behavior. this extends to putting your bag on the seat next to you or sitting in the aisle seat when the window seat is empty.

so that's out of the way. now ...

1. feign sleep. for whatever reason, people want to avoid bothering a sleeping passenger by sitting next to them.

2. avoid eye contact by actively looking out the window. don't know why, but this seems to be the optimal activity for driving others away. anyway, as soon as you look boarding passengers in the eye, it's like a formal invitation to sit next to you.

3. look angry/sullen. no one likes a sourpuss!

4. sit near the back. prime seats are kitty-corner or immediately behind the back door, those weird awkward seats in the very back row, and the sideways-facing seats in the back. avoid the middle and front area at all costs as well as the seat right across from the back door. people will generally take the first available seat they see, and that's going to be in the front, near the door.

keep in mind that none of these are, like, genius ideas. and they probably won't work for you - i mean, i look pretty damned intimidating.