i have decided i'm incredibly tired and need a vacation immediately.

see? i have nothing to say! proof.

that's right, craiglist f**kers! you're so predictably enraging, i don't know why you still get me worked up every time.

what happens to me when i post something for sale on craigslist?

• 4-6 people contact me insisting they're going to buy what i posted. i wait at home at the appointed time and they never show up.

• 3-5 people insist they're going to buy something, turn up, and then say, "hm ... well, um, i need to think about it..." and leave

• 1-2 try to bargain me down to an idiotic price ... "oh, so you're asking $100 ... but would you take ... FIVE????"

invariably, none of them ever calls back.

so what do i do to counter these flaky tactics? i fight fire with fire and make arrangements with multiple people each night to come look at whatever i'm selling. i do explain that i'm showing it to multiple people. i tell everyone i'll call them if it gets purchased. and what happens?

i sell something. i email or call people to tell them.

there's always one person who goes completely ape and insists that i had promised it to them and they've already started driving from fredericksburg in a car they rented just for the occasion and i'm nothing but a gigantic ball of evil. invariably, this is for an item of almost no value. the most recent incident involved a $25 CD rack. the one before that was a $10 ottoman from bed, bath & beyond that wasn't worth the money it took to make 3 phone calls to bitch me out.

i should quit now, but god, how i love their sweet, sweet cash.

that's right. at any moment plants could release a toxin that makes people commit suicide.

oh, wait. i'm sorry. i meant a toxin that blocks the primordial self-preservation instinct which is the only thing preventing us from laying down in front of a giant lawnmower. or feeding ourselves arm-first to lions.

also, it usually makes you walk backwards.

but, you ask, why would plants release such a, well, complicated toxin and not just the regular kind that would kill you outright? silly person. you cannot begin to understand the ways of plants. they are wise. they can communicate across vast distances.

and they have a plan.

i'm not really sure what it is, but i guess it involves some kind of warning about maybe global warming or overpopulation or too many H&Ms or something to parisians and americans in the northeast.

but here's the thing - all you have to do is go inside and you're safe. that's right - even rickety old farmhouses built in 1850 are airtight!

oops. guess i should have said "spoiler alert!" a little sooner.

but don't be angry. thank me. i just saved you 91 minutes of sheer hell that you would never, ever be able to get back if you had gone to see "the happening" like i had this weekend.