that's right. at any moment plants could release a toxin that makes people commit suicide.

oh, wait. i'm sorry. i meant a toxin that blocks the primordial self-preservation instinct which is the only thing preventing us from laying down in front of a giant lawnmower. or feeding ourselves arm-first to lions.

also, it usually makes you walk backwards.

but, you ask, why would plants release such a, well, complicated toxin and not just the regular kind that would kill you outright? silly person. you cannot begin to understand the ways of plants. they are wise. they can communicate across vast distances.

and they have a plan.

i'm not really sure what it is, but i guess it involves some kind of warning about maybe global warming or overpopulation or too many H&Ms or something to parisians and americans in the northeast.

but here's the thing - all you have to do is go inside and you're safe. that's right - even rickety old farmhouses built in 1850 are airtight!

oops. guess i should have said "spoiler alert!" a little sooner.

but don't be angry. thank me. i just saved you 91 minutes of sheer hell that you would never, ever be able to get back if you had gone to see "the happening" like i had this weekend.