i have something to share. i feel kind of funny about it because i automatically hate all things that smack of hippie. examples:

• patchouli
• those horrible poncho/shirt things from south america
• mandals
• not bathing

my parents were hippies, back in the day - among the first to join the peace corps, lived on an indian reservation - the whole deal. although really, they were of the beat generation, which, in my mind, is a lot more awesome than being a hippie because it involves wearing stylish attire and writing or painting incomprehensible things while clothing yourself in the metaphoric mantle of counterculture.

anyway. back to my tip. i have a friend who is incredibly frugal and environmentally responsible. she's always telling me to do crazy things like wash out plastic bags, make my own pork stock, and line-dry my clothes. yeah, whatever - i grew up without a car, eating homemade yogurt, and being deprived of television. it ain't me, babe.

however, her email yesterday said that she'd taken to washing her hair with baking soda (1 T + water as shampoo) and vinegar (1 T + water as conditioner) and it was amazing. well, i'm experimental. i decided to try it. keep in mind that my hair is naturally the texture of straw that has been left baking in the sun for several years. i use exclusively kerastase, which i consider to be the rolls-royce of haircare products.

so i cannot overexpress my surprise at finding that it actually, strangely, works - and it even feels like i used conditioner. totally weird, right? anyway, my review:

• positives: shiny, soft, manageable hair, very low cost
• negatives: somewhat messy to use, moderate vinegar smell, only used once; long-term usage might result in hair loss - who can say?

so, edward, still feeling pretty good about the whole engagement thing?

i ride the bus to work.

sure, it's convenient, cheap, good for the environment, etc., etc., ad infinitum. i guess the only downside is that the overall experience totally sucks.

hands-down, the worst is when it's raining. you realize, yes, that's everyone's bad breath and sweat fogging up the window you're leaning against. then someone sits down next to you and drips their wet umbrella all over your leg.

which is why i've spent so much time perfecting my approach to getting my own seat on the bus (or train). and i'm happy to share a few time-tested techniques.

please note: all my techniques are based on subtle, non-verbal cues. despite what you might assume about me based on general demeanor and outlook, i disapprove of rude behavior. this extends to putting your bag on the seat next to you or sitting in the aisle seat when the window seat is empty.

so that's out of the way. now ...

1. feign sleep. for whatever reason, people want to avoid bothering a sleeping passenger by sitting next to them.

2. avoid eye contact by actively looking out the window. don't know why, but this seems to be the optimal activity for driving others away. anyway, as soon as you look boarding passengers in the eye, it's like a formal invitation to sit next to you.

3. look angry/sullen. no one likes a sourpuss!

4. sit near the back. prime seats are kitty-corner or immediately behind the back door, those weird awkward seats in the very back row, and the sideways-facing seats in the back. avoid the middle and front area at all costs as well as the seat right across from the back door. people will generally take the first available seat they see, and that's going to be in the front, near the door.

keep in mind that none of these are, like, genius ideas. and they probably won't work for you - i mean, i look pretty damned intimidating.

received from a friend who works at a newspaper:

Subject: community police blotter.

A suspect struck a victim in the face with a one-liter glass bottle. The victim was hanging out with the suspect having a few drinks when his mood changed.

nice work, suspect! A for effort, but all in all, a little JV, wouldn't you say?

tilda's tip: i know it's hard to think clearly in the heat of the moment, but always try to add insult to injury. next time, consider emptying whatever you're drinking onto the victim's pants before striking him across the face with the bottle.

hey edward ... guess what i'm doing right now????

that's right - i'm WATCHING TV WHILE I'M ON MY LAPTOP.

granted, the movie (which appears to be crap so far) is on pause ... but i'll take every little victory i can.