i ride the bus to work.

sure, it's convenient, cheap, good for the environment, etc., etc., ad infinitum. i guess the only downside is that the overall experience totally sucks.

hands-down, the worst is when it's raining. you realize, yes, that's everyone's bad breath and sweat fogging up the window you're leaning against. then someone sits down next to you and drips their wet umbrella all over your leg.

which is why i've spent so much time perfecting my approach to getting my own seat on the bus (or train). and i'm happy to share a few time-tested techniques.

please note: all my techniques are based on subtle, non-verbal cues. despite what you might assume about me based on general demeanor and outlook, i disapprove of rude behavior. this extends to putting your bag on the seat next to you or sitting in the aisle seat when the window seat is empty.

so that's out of the way. now ...

1. feign sleep. for whatever reason, people want to avoid bothering a sleeping passenger by sitting next to them.

2. avoid eye contact by actively looking out the window. don't know why, but this seems to be the optimal activity for driving others away. anyway, as soon as you look boarding passengers in the eye, it's like a formal invitation to sit next to you.

3. look angry/sullen. no one likes a sourpuss!

4. sit near the back. prime seats are kitty-corner or immediately behind the back door, those weird awkward seats in the very back row, and the sideways-facing seats in the back. avoid the middle and front area at all costs as well as the seat right across from the back door. people will generally take the first available seat they see, and that's going to be in the front, near the door.

keep in mind that none of these are, like, genius ideas. and they probably won't work for you - i mean, i look pretty damned intimidating.

received from a friend who works at a newspaper:

Subject: community police blotter.

A suspect struck a victim in the face with a one-liter glass bottle. The victim was hanging out with the suspect having a few drinks when his mood changed.

nice work, suspect! A for effort, but all in all, a little JV, wouldn't you say?

tilda's tip: i know it's hard to think clearly in the heat of the moment, but always try to add insult to injury. next time, consider emptying whatever you're drinking onto the victim's pants before striking him across the face with the bottle.

hey edward ... guess what i'm doing right now????

that's right - i'm WATCHING TV WHILE I'M ON MY LAPTOP.

granted, the movie (which appears to be crap so far) is on pause ... but i'll take every little victory i can.

sparkling sake.

i know i can order it online, but i'm a little lazy, so i've been trying to find it in local liquor stores.

most of the time, i get a blank stare when i ask for it. the closest i've come so far is at d'vines in columbia heights, where the guy told me that they were getting it in "soon" AND who managed to correct me on the fact that "apple delirium" is actually floris pomme.

aside from the fact that he is maybe the coolest person ever, i am actually not excited by this. why? i am already looking four steps ahead - that's why.

let me play out the worst-case scenario (i.e., The Rose Champagne Situation):

• i try said beverage and like it.

• i begin pretentiously trying to order it places so people can think to themselves, "wow, i have NO CLUE what she's talking about. what a freak. but ... SPARKLING sake ... doesn't that sound kind of awesome? like WAY better than champagne? OMG. she's so ... hip!"

• it is featured in, like, "InStyle" or "Martha Stewart Living" or whatever it is that people who live in Northern Virginia see as the bellwether of cool.

• it becomes so popular that Uno's adds a "frozen cherry blossom" made with sparkling sake to their "cocktails and freezers" menu.

• i never order it again and have to find some drink that's made with - i don't know - monkey piss in the hopes of staying differentiated.