received from a friend who works at a newspaper:

Subject: community police blotter.

A suspect struck a victim in the face with a one-liter glass bottle. The victim was hanging out with the suspect having a few drinks when his mood changed.

nice work, suspect! A for effort, but all in all, a little JV, wouldn't you say?

tilda's tip: i know it's hard to think clearly in the heat of the moment, but always try to add insult to injury. next time, consider emptying whatever you're drinking onto the victim's pants before striking him across the face with the bottle.

hey edward ... guess what i'm doing right now????

that's right - i'm WATCHING TV WHILE I'M ON MY LAPTOP.

granted, the movie (which appears to be crap so far) is on pause ... but i'll take every little victory i can.

sparkling sake.

i know i can order it online, but i'm a little lazy, so i've been trying to find it in local liquor stores.

most of the time, i get a blank stare when i ask for it. the closest i've come so far is at d'vines in columbia heights, where the guy told me that they were getting it in "soon" AND who managed to correct me on the fact that "apple delirium" is actually floris pomme.

aside from the fact that he is maybe the coolest person ever, i am actually not excited by this. why? i am already looking four steps ahead - that's why.

let me play out the worst-case scenario (i.e., The Rose Champagne Situation):

• i try said beverage and like it.

• i begin pretentiously trying to order it places so people can think to themselves, "wow, i have NO CLUE what she's talking about. what a freak. but ... SPARKLING sake ... doesn't that sound kind of awesome? like WAY better than champagne? OMG. she's so ... hip!"

• it is featured in, like, "InStyle" or "Martha Stewart Living" or whatever it is that people who live in Northern Virginia see as the bellwether of cool.

• it becomes so popular that Uno's adds a "frozen cherry blossom" made with sparkling sake to their "cocktails and freezers" menu.

• i never order it again and have to find some drink that's made with - i don't know - monkey piss in the hopes of staying differentiated.

although "visiting the westin gift shop and buying enough benadryl to drug yourself into a deep, dreamless sleep" would normally top my list, the fact that a bag of almond m&ms cost me $5 there left my wallet a little light.

instead, i have so far sampled and would recommend:

• walking around what may be the most depressingly mistitled "mixed-use development" in the U.S.

• buying a bag of peach gummi rings which turn out to be disappointingly UN-sour, despite the deceptive ingredients of citric acid, fumaric acid, sodium citrate, and tartaric acid - all of which sound pretty damned sour to me.

• exploring the "shopping district", which contains a gymboree, casual corner outlet, and a subway in the food court. i expected but did not find a dress barn woman or a jo-ann fabrics.

• returning to your room to contemplate why you insisted on waiting until 7 pm to have dinner.

ah, i love my job.