In the aftermath of the horrible ANWR vote might I suggest something to lift your mood?

Here's how to destroy the earth. Not so easy, right?

This Fox News Piece is simply too funny not to notice. Here's the quicktime movie itself.

It's amazing, but somehow in the first 30 seconds, the producers of a brief segment managed to evoke September 11th, not once, but twice! First the Fox reporter in a Freudian slip says the woman dialed "nine-eleven" for help instead of "nine-one-one". Then the woman herself starts mumbling about "the terror" as if she was a victim of a terrorist attack. Only on Fox, indeed.

Bizarrely, she later claims she couldn't remember flicking the guy off. Riiiight.

I just want to know if other Fox reporters refer to dialing 9-1-1 as 9-11. Because that's just downright creepy.

Sometimes a picture says a thousand words. This one describes my morning:

Yeah. Sip Responsibly. And pray the Senate votes go our way today.

That's right. The veritable Shamrock Shake, once relegated to a non-entity within the district has at long last returned to our nation's capital.

You heard me. I just walked two blocks to pick up my first one. I'm enjoying it as I type this. Mmmm.

The coolest cellphone of all time is back in a big way.

Yeah, see, Brad once gave me this phone which I loved. Except for, of course, the fact that it was an analog-only phone, and had shoddy reception, basically everywhere. But style-wise, Nokia still hasn't equaled it.

Flash-forward to today, to the new phone:

Man, that's one sweet looking phone. Now I can only dream that

1. it comes with bluetooth
2. in the new series, they throw in a 1 megapixel camera
3. it supports a better memory standard than mmc, and comes with tons of it

Be sure to check out the entire story.

Nicole pointed out this article in the NYT to me. Very amusing...

After checking with a postal clerk about the legality of stepping up his efforts, he began cutting up magazines, heavy bond paper, and small strips of sheet metal and stuffing them into the business reply envelopes that came with the junk packages.

"You wouldn't believe how heavy I got some of these envelopes to weigh," said Mr. Williams, who added that he saw an immediate drop in the amount of arriving junk mail. A spokesman for the United States Postal Service, Gerald McKiernan, said that Mr. Williams's actions sounded legal, as long as the envelope was properly sealed.

Maybe I should try this with the people who keep sending me porn through the mail...

TiVo, on their deathbed, managed to pull the proverbial cable rabbit out of the hat.

Wow. Yes, I know all you mac-people wanted TiVo to survive with Apple's help, but realistically, TiVo needed at least one cable operator to come on board to survive, now that they have begun to get screwed by DirecTV.

I love my TiVo, but there's no way I'm going back to Comcast...so my TiVo probably will only last another year or so before I upgrade to the DirecTV HDTV one.

Apparently South by Southwest has given the "best politics blog" to Wonkette, along with the "best tech weblog" to Gizmodo and the "best new weblog" to Defamer.

Huh.

Okay, I admit, when Wonkette launched, I liked to read it. Snarky political commentary was in short supply then, and Wonkette aimed to be cooler than the Note, more pedestrian than Talking Points Memo, and more fun than TAPPED.

But the political fun swiftly devolved into a bunch of dirty jokes. By the time the Washingtonienne scandal hit, increasing her traffic significantly, the fun political stuff was mostly sidelined. I think it was the day I saw the 17th "John Kerry Is Hung Like a Horse" joke that I decided Wonkette was no longer amusing me. She's still on the rss feed, but I mostly just click "mark as read" without perusing.

And yet, oddly, just as I was tuning out, the MSM was tuning in. Soon the ex-suck editor was making all the rounds on talk-shows. She was a "celebrity blogger" despite having never said anything of substance, or of having broken any major story. I'm not dismissing her abilities: I just think she's been coasting a while.

And that brings me to the larger point, namely, about the "gawker media empire". Why the MSM would focus on gawker is simple: they are very self-promotional. Why I would dislike them is the same deal: they aren't really blogs, so much as actual regular websites. Click on any gawker page and you'll be overwhelmed with

1. advertisements
2. bad design
3. more ads
4. large quantities of small chunks of ripped off content
5. still more ads

Now for personal reasons, items #1 and #2 make me hate all of the gawker sites. But if we focus on substance, it's clear that gawker tends to link to other articles, and that's it. Rather than, Prof. DeLong-style, rip huge sections, most gawker sites rip off a sentence or two with a link. But they rarely provide context...even the best Wonkette posts often imply a point, rather than make it, and they are frequently simply jokes. Gizmodo shows off a new vacuum, and says "it looks like something you'd strap to the underside of your x-wing fighter". Funny? Sure. But useful? Not really. Does the thing work? Who knows? Who cares? All the gawker sites are basically gossip rags...which is exactly what they aspire to be.

This is what is so infuriating about awards that clearly aren't based on reality: there are tons of tech sites that are better than gizmodo, from all perspectives. And from a political perspective, there are tons better than Wonkette. Do these sites have the latest gossip? Do they have snarky commentary about celebrities? Perhaps not. But they are better tech sites, and better political sites.

Imagine if a person were to go through the major newspapers of the world and judge them on who had the best gossip columnist. That wouldn't be rating "the best newspaper"...it would be rating, "the best gossip newspaper". Likewise, rating blogs by the amount of gossip in them isn't rating "the best blogs".

So I was all psyched to see Steamboy when it opened on the 18th. Only problem? It's not showing in our nation's capital.

Now, I can see why some movies have limited premiers. Just last week I discovered the new Kevin Costner flick was opening in L.A. and NYC in three theaters. (It was for a friend, okay?? I'm not going to see it!) That makes some sense. But peruse the list linked above of Steamboy theaters and that's clearly not the case. Some listed cities?

Des Moines, Iowa? Check. Tulsa, Oklahoma? Check.

For god's sake, even Dayton Ohio gets it! But no DC. As Mr. Bat would say, "Grr.."

So after several months, the second tangible result of my work creating a new "branding" for my company has come to pass.

Here's the new website. Thoughts? Crazy mac errors? Doesn't look good in lynx? Send 'em my way...

I suppose this is as good a time as any to say I love my job.

I love 11th St. From returning home late at night and being accosted by prostitutes to the fun of walking to work each morning and discovering people in need of help, there's always something interesting going on here.

A couple days ago as I'm walking past the intersection of 11th and P St., I notice a piece of paper resting on the top of a fence with some writing on it. Curious, while the light was still red, I leaned over and examined it. Here you go:

It starts out so simply: a warning that there are some dangerous people around. I'm sure everyone's seen signs go up when muggings increase in a neighborhood. But quickly, the missive starts to get a little strange. Halfway through, I could barely keep from laughing at lines like:

They may appear conservative, but the woman is disturbed.

or my personal favorite,

They also eat.

Classic, eh? Today as I was walking into work, I passed by a tall man in a cowboy hat who seemed angry. He asked me if we were on the 1300 block of 11th St. I looked at the sign and told him yes. He then began to tell me a lengthy story about how he needed to find the Verizon office, and that the operator had told him to come here. I couldn't bear to tell him that it sounded like the operator had been annoyed with him and had sent him here as punishment. Don't screw with Verizon! They fight dirty...

Instead I tell him that the nearest Verizon office is on 14th and S. He ignores this statement and begins to tell me that he recently got divorced, and that he's been living by himself, and that his phone hasn't been working for months. And yet, he angrily said, Verizon charged him $109 for phone service despite the fact that his phone never rings! At this point I get a little frustrated because we've wasted 15 minutes and I'm already late, which is when the guy says, "Oh, hey, am I keeping you? I'm sorry."

I tell him, again about the Verizon office on 14th St. He listens this time and says he'll head over there immediately. As we leave he says, "Hey, I didn't get your name?" I tell him, and he replies, walking away "My Name's Joe! Thanks again for your help!"

Honestly, I hope Joe finds the Verizon people and lays into them. Without violence, of course. Too much Alabama courtroom drama this morning for that...

A hilarious SETI-story. Read it. Laugh. Get back to work.

So, over the past few days I've received a similar spam message (advertising cheap prescription drugs over the internets) from several different addresses. The best part is the names of the senders:

1. Whinnied H. Cogs
2. Searchers O. Blanking
3. Backbitten B. Preakness
4. Inhered P. Kidnaps
5. Exploiter D. Tush
6. Succeeded C. Passkeys

I love that all of them have fake middle initials. I'd really like to see the spamscript that generates each one. Are they supposed to be funny? Who knows? Clearly, anyone who opens an e-mail from "Exploiter D. Tush" has to expect problems...

As you can tell from the review below, I burned my lunch hour seeing the latest Ruscha exhibit with Fincher, then wasted some more time looking for "My Brother's Place" near the Department of Labor. Lost, we retreated to a slow-as-the-district-normally-is eatery on 3rd and E called 3rd and Eats. Despite the sloth of the employees, the food was actually quite tasty.

I realized, belatedly, that the gradient on the site itself is somewhat of an homage to that other Ed.

werkz advice: go check it out today!

"Cotton Puffs, Q-Tips®, Smoke and Mirrors: The Drawings of Ed Ruscha" is currently on exhibit at the National Gallery's West Wing. It covers a large amount of Ruscha's early drawings, but near the end displays several of his better known later works.

From one Ed to another, I've always loved Ruscha's work. The mixture of text, light, novel paints (gunpowder, anyone?) and gradients always leaves me feeling as if his work is almost too polished. It's a good feeling. The new exhibit showcases a large amount of work never before seen, pulled from all over the place.

At the end of the exhibit, I couldn't bring myself to purchase the $45 book that went with it....although I'd love to receive it as a gift.(Hint! Fincher! Hint!) Instead, I pocketed a small but thick $10 collection of a whole bunch of his work (over 500 pages!) in postcard sizes.

So in order to create the foreigners section of the website I decided I needed a cool way to create a list of nicknames. The first method that I thought of was, prisoner-style, just to have a bunch of cardinal numbers, like one, two, three, etc.

After a lengthy search, I realized that no one had created a php script to generate said cardinal numbers from regular numbers. This guy had made such a script using javascript, however, so all I had to do was port his version over to php.

I removed the ordinal numbering code for brevity's sake...the code below just takes one argument and returns its cardinal output. To see the script in action just head over here and plug in some numbers into the url. Easy, right?

The full code is posted below or you can just link to this copy:

$number = $_REQUEST['number'];

$wnums = array(
    0 => array('hundred','thousand','million','billion','trillion','zillion'),
    1 => array('one','first','ten','','th'),
    2 => array('two','second','twen',0,0),
    3 => array('three','third','thir',0,0),
    4 => array('four','fourth','for',0,0),
    5 => array('five','fifth','fif',0,0),
    6 => array('six','sixth',0,0,0),
    7 => array('seven','seventh',0,0,0),
    8 => array('eight','eighth','eigh',0,0),
    9 => array('nine','ninth',0,0,0),
    10 => array('ten'),
    11 => array('eleven'),
    12 => array('twelve','twelfth'),
    13 => array('thirteen'),
    14 => array('fourteen'),
    15 => array('fifteen'),
    16 => array('sixteen'),
    17 => array('seventeen'),
    18 => array('eighteen'),
    19 => array('nineteen'));

$numlength = strlen($number);
$mod = $numlength % 3;
$trip = ceil($numlength / 3);
for ($i = 0; $i < $trip; $i++) {
    if ($i == 0 and $mod != 0) {
        $begin = 0;
        $end = $mod;
        $subst = substr($number,($begin),($mod));
    } elseif ($i == 0) {
        $begin = $mod + (($i-1) * 3);
        $end = $mod - 1 + ($i * 3);
        $subst = substr($number,(0),(3));
    } elseif ($mod == 0) {
        $begin = ($i * 3);
        $end = 3;
        $subst = substr($number,($begin),($end));
    } else {
        $begin = $mod + (($i-1) * 3);
        $end = $mod - 1 + ($i * 3);
        $subst = substr($number,($begin),(3));
    }
    if ($subst != 0) {
        if (strlen($subst) > 2) { 
            $hdec = substr($subst,0,1);
            $ddec = substr($subst,1,2);
            $odec = substr($subst,2,1);
        } elseif (strlen($subst) > 1) { 
            $hdec = 0;
            $ddec = substr($subst,0,2);
                $odec = substr($subst,1,1);
        } else {
            $hdec = 0;
                $ddec = 0;
        $odec = substr($subst,0,1);
        };
        if ($hdec != 0) {
            $result = " " . $wnums[$hdec][0] . "-hundred ";
        } else {
                $result = " ";
        };
        if ($ddec < 20 and 9 < $ddec) {
            $result .= " " . $wnums[$ddec][0];
        } else {
            if ((0 < $hdec or 1 < $trip) and ($i + 1 == $trip) and (0 < $ddec and $ddec < 10)) {
                $result .= "and ";
            };
            if (19 < $ddec) {
                if (! $wnums[$ddec{0}][2]) { $secw = 0; } else { $secw = 2; };
                if (0 < $odec) { $secx = "-"; } else { $secx = " "; };
                $result .= $wnums[$ddec{0}][$secw] . "ty" . $secx;
            };
            if (0 < $odec) {
                $result .= $wnums[$odec][0];        
            };          
        };
        if ($i + 1 < $trip) {
            $result .= " " . $wnums[0][$trip - $i - 1] . "";
        };
    };
    $newresult .= $result . " ";

};
echo "
number: $number
";
echo "
cardinal number: $newresult
";

Again, thanks go out to Bemi Faison who did all the heavy lifting. I am just a humble translator. (I did, I will note, strip out the cool conditionals to transform Bemi's numbers into ordinal notation...because I didn't need it.)

Many a time I've awoken to discover my money clip overflowing with jacksons and my mind equally filled with the knowledge that I am, perversely, poorer than I was the previous morning. How does such a regular event occur? Well, let's retrace my steps.

Near the end of work yesterday, I remembered that Nicole and I were supposed to hit a reception at the Mexican Consulate/Cultural Center for a new nonprofit foundation tied to a young Spanish language network tied to an existing nonprofit network tied to a popular media group in Mexico. After we left work, we eschewed a ride from a co-worker, and instead popped in a cab to head up to Harvard Square.

Once there, Nicole picked up the tab for the cab. Inside, we were treated to a lavish spread, open bar, and tons of media coverage. So much so, in fact, that it was a little daunting. A couple glasses of champagne eliminated that problem, and soon the Azteca America president was talking about how his network would soon grab a 20% market share based on his network's focus on "values". (If this seems like a silly argument to make, you haven't seen enough Telemundo...) The only bad speech contained a reference to a new station being opened in "ar-kansas" followed by a hilarious mention of a new program to help people speak English better. No one else seemed to catch the irony. A series of video clips followed involving all the good work that the Fundacion Azteca has done in Mexico. The fact that they have their own school seemed a little creepy, but the work for burn victims and the poor seemed great. Nicole had to depart for another dinner though, and so my social evening was open again.

A call to Carroll revealed that she and her friends were currently in g-town living it up. Flush with the knowledge that I'd consumed several grant's worth of food and drink, I hailed a taxi and drove over to the non-metro side of town, burring $15 of my emergency twenty and leaving me with a mere $5 (plus credit) to get through the night. Yes, I tipped $7 on an $8. No, it did seem like a good idea at the time. The cabby was particularly nice and got me there swiftly. Plus, I'd already saved tons of money, right?

Once at mie-n-yu, I sat down and ordered a "samurai" which sounded like the most masculine drink offered. A very nice cassandra-esque waitress with far too much eye shadow brought it back later rather than sooner, and after a sip, it revealed itself to be a particularly fruity concoction, despite the high proof nature of the various liquids inside. I proceeded to meet Carroll's new workmates, one of whom possessed the second best name in existence ever. The top three names, of course, are:

1. Isobel
2. Anastasia
3. Sasha

Of course, she was introduced as "osh-ia" which meant I didn't even get to comment on her name until much later. Once I did though, we both agreed that the list was a worthy one, unlike the reaction last week when I told one of Jenna's friends (nee Isobel), who found the Russian names to be "awful" and proceeded to not speak to me again.

A trip downstairs revealed that m-n-y had an elaborate washroom complete with attendant. Bye-bye five dollars! Seriously, he only had $2 in his bucket before I came by, so I felt as if I could hardly make change by stealing the $2 from the little pot. So far, I'd only burned through my emergency jackson though, so I was still feeling financially secure.

Several gimlets later, we decided to call it an evening. Carroll attempted to pay, but I intercepted dark-eyed cassandra and made her take my card instead. The total with tip was two franklins...a little higher than I had anticipated. The remaining triumvirate relocated a few doors down for some food, which nicely Carroll paid for. Several quality discussions later, and I was out the door of said second establishment, hoofing it home to the 'werkz. Briefly I considered stopping by St. Ex for the second year anniversary party (has it really been two years?) but realized it was a far better idea to head to the house, watch some tv and relax.

And that's how I descended from free champagne to a nasty $220 loss in my wallet. The damage was, of course, nicely mitigated by the bills in my money clip, which I haven't had the heart to actually count. Hopefully those too will disappear, perhaps tonight.