I'm having a bit of an issue with this weekend's plans. My boyfriend is introducing me to his parents this weekend and I need some ideas about what to bring and what to wear.

The whole gift idea is a sensitive subject since I would like to make a good impression but not look like a suck up. Neither of them drink so I can't bring them a bottle of wine, which is often the standard. So I was thinking just flowers, but come on! Do people still do that? Help!

The other matter...the proper attire: I'm a bit of a tomboy so dressing up is a pain in my backside. But I feel like I should at least try and put my comfort aside and go the appropriate feminine route just to let my boyfriends parents know that--provided we end up together--I won't go running off with the next hot chick I see. Or, does it even matter. Should I just be happy that he likes me enough to introduce me to his parents? I guess the point of this question is: How important is it to impress the parents of your significant other?

Thanks for your help,
Pondering in Puzzlement

Helena replies:

I recently have gone through this, so I'll pass on some of my gained wisdom.

I think it is important to make a good impression, but as yourself. The most important thing is manners, not to impress them, but because you respect that they produced a guy you think is great and you weren't raised by wolves (we'll assume). You should treat his parents with respect and that means leaving the ratty-tatty jeans at home. It also means respecting that they are rational, non-judgmental people. They apparently raised a great son, so give them a little credit and assume going in that they could be cool people. That means that you don't have to conform to some image of the perfect girlfriend (i.e. leave the flouncy-wouncy dress at home also.) Be natural -- they'll pick up on the non-wardrobe things like how you interact with their son. If the meeting is happening at their home, and mom or dad is in the kitchen, offer to chip in -- it'll break the ice, ease your jitters, and it's just good manners.

So, for the concrete advice. Attire: Depending on the location, I think you would be safe in non-jeans pants and a nice sweater. Again, I think it's a mistake to assume that the parents will be critiquing your every move, but you want to come across as respectful. It's also safe to dress at roughly the same level as your boy. Gift: the bottle of wine is the easy standby, but I wouldn't do a sparkling cider or anything like that as a replacement -- it draws too much attention to their decision not to drink and makes it into a thing. Flowers are fine, if a little showy. I would choose a small bouquet of tea roses or something similar, but stay away from large, cellophane-wrapped assortments that feel like Valentine's Day or a first date. In general, I am a fan of edible gifts, because they don't hang around like a tacky potholder for years to come, and because everyone likes food. This works best if you are from a different area than they are and can bring a special regional treat. If nothing comes to mind on that front, it also works to bring coffee from your local coffeehouse (your favorite blend), cookies from a local bakery, etc. It takes away the kiss-up factor if you can say, "I had these the other day at a friend's and just loved them," or something like that. Makes it seem that rather than going and looking for a gift, a gift found you and you thought you'd share it. Most importantly, don't wrap the gift.

Finally, have fun while you're there and don't forget to send a thank-you note.

Edward's thoughts:

Well, PiP, I probably would say that Helena's comments are good, although I'd differ from them with a few key points. One, although it's important to "be yourself" when it comes to your boyfriend, there's really no reason not to try to impress his parents, even if it means acting a little less like yourself and a little more like Ms. Perfect. First impressions are important, and it's much better for them to come away with the "my god she's incredible" impression than the "she's kind of nice" opinion. So, yeah, go feminine, but classy. As far as gifts go, I agree that food is a good option, although I wouldn't make it myself (mainly because I'd mess it up) because if you purchase something it can end up tasting bad without reflecting upon your culinary abilities. Flowers are probably easier, and if you choose your favorite, then it's an easy way for them to associate you with something, e.g. "Pip? Oh yes, she's the daisy girl..." If the group is planning to go somewhere nice to dinner, be sure to bring an appropriate outfit, which may mean bringing one regardless if his parents are the spontaneous type who tend to make reservations without informing their son.

Also, with respect to the suck-up point: I can't imagine my parents, or anyone's parents, for that matter, thinking that a gift attempt was being a suck-up. Maybe it's that I can't imagine anyone purchasing a gift so lavish that it would make someone feel guilty. It's not as if you're purchasing jewelry, right? So don't sweat this part. Concentrate on being cheerful at his parent's house, and not demanding to spend every waking second with him alone. Helping with dinner, chopping wood, killing chickens, etc. can often ease the tension. Most important, no matter how much his parents cajole you, don't give into the temptation to talk about your significant other's flaws. Even if his mother starts to grouse about how lazy he is, and you know of several examples to support her thesis, either keep mum or mumble a vague platitude. Or two or three. Vagueness is your friend until you know them better.

Brad's opinion:

meeting the parents is similar to golf...a real waste of friggin' time. and if you are like me, and have done it several times, the nervousness and apprehension are pretty much gone. unless you get the house tour involving the gun closet (i have!) so your question is more a matter of tactics than strategy...you already have decided whether this guy is sticking around for a while or not, and so his concerns are bracketed.

so you can trash helena's suggestions and add them to the festering heap of refuse that passes for edward's comments. toss an oily rag on 'dat mess and step away. we're going into battle, not asking out our middle-school crush. parents know this too - they're sizing you up, and you better be ready to play.

first do a little scouting. mom's probably your biggest opponent, so find out as much info as you can about her beforehand. your outfit should be one that makes her proud, but not threatened. she's going to pick it apart for flaws regardless, thus try and find a happy medium between stunning and your actual wardrobe, so that she can neither assail you for trying too hard or for slobbing along.

at the event, steer conversation to topics that are close to ones you know are in the 'rents interest. especially if asked a tough question or a flaw is noticed. for instance, if they ask you about your future job plans, you could mention that you were doing A but considering B...if B is something that one of the parents used to love to do long ago! other tricks include flipping questions back "so what were you doing at his age?" or mentioning humorous, harmless stories about your sig. o "has bobby always made faces in photos?' parents love this banal crap. above all, don't compliment them, compliment the son.

and finally, like the marines. get in, blow things up, and get out. be sure to make the date a neutral location with a fixed, unmovable endpoint (meeting friends later, doctor appointment, or getting up early for work the next day) that way nobody gets hurt and you can leave 'em wanting more...just watch the hands, daddy-o! throw on those strappy sandals and kick some tail, pippy...