advice

Dana, as always, in non-rare form. And he gets some good quotes from Barney Frank, too!

When Dreier took his proposal to the floor this afternoon, it immediately became clear he was in for a workout. Democrats wondered, given all the abuses involving lobbyist-paid meals, travel and campaign financing, the first act of the second session of the 109th Congress should involve a fitness center in the basement of the Rayburn House Office Building.

"This rules change is so minor in relation to the magnitude of the problem that it doesn't amount to a drop in the ocean," complained Rep. Louise M. Slaughter (D-N.Y.). "It's going to take a lot more than preventing former members from going to the House gym to produce an ethical Congress."

Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), who knows when there's mischief to be made, interrupted the debate with a proposal. "I suggest a possible compromise because there is a certain self interest, let's be honest, for current members," he deadpanned. "Perhaps the modification could be that any former member using a piece of equipment would have to yield to a current member."

Go check it out!

dear dredwerkz, is it an insurmountable dating obstacle that someone voted for mitt romney in the last massachusetts gubernatorial election?

yours truly, diehard democrat

helena says:

Flirting with conservatives can be mildly entertaining, so if your dating is still in the realm of nonexclusive grabbing drinks when you're up for a debate, I think that this person would be fine to keep around. But to me, that's a friend, not a boy/girl-friend.

Getting serious with someone whose fundamental beliefs are evil is a bad idea. Politics aren't like preferring chocolate or vanilla. I see it as an irreconcilable difference. Heath is slightly less left than I and even that sometimes makes me want to strangle him.

1. Conversion is a waste of time, unless this person is exaggerating his/her conservatism in order to get a rise out of you. If that's the case, I find it obnoxious, but you might find it fun.
2. Always date within your own league or one higher. You're a Democrat; this person is a Republican. You are too good for him/her.

edward says: I've always believed that you can convert anyone from the dark-side. Of course, this approach takes for granted that you have the time and energy to engage in what could prove to be a fruitless quest. (Be sure to score plenty of free dinner/jewelry/gifts in the process, though, so that you at least come out ahead!) Just remember two points if you want to do it:

1. If you don't convert him/her, leave him/her wanting more. Better to have them think "Wow, that really hot Democrat got away...I wish I hadn't been such an idiot" than "Whew, I'm sure glad I didn't end up with that annoying liberal."

2. They have to convert. If they don't, you don't go out with them anymore.

brad says: I wonder when someone brings this up - is this a first date sort of thing? You know, 'this t-bone kicks ass, but not as much as lyndon larouche'...? And though I don't know who diehard democrat is offhand, I'm willing to guess that it's a 'she' because I can't think of a single woman who would openly mention mitt romney while on a date. But you want advice, so here are my two points:

1. Republicans from 'the other commonwealth' are pretty rare, so they're likely to have a chip on their shoulder about politics. Conversation will be frigging irritating...

2. Time spent converting space monkeys sends the wrong message to the other gender...it basically says that you don't care enough about politics to reward those who use their brains when voting. enough said.

Dear Dredwerkz,

A former co-worker, who continues to do business with the firm I work for, called me up today. In the past, I have helped him setup a new computer, troubleshoot when his box was infected with a virus, etc. I was expecting more of the same today.

Instead, he said he needed some help putting together a powerpoint presentation. He described to me what he needed and said he'd compensate me for my time. The problem? The presentation is so that he can get people to invest in his conflict-diamond mine in Africa.

Normally, I'd say no on principle, but I am very hard up for funds this month and I could surely use some easy work. So I told him yes, and got off the phone. Now I'm rethinking my position.

Unlike the death star contractor debate, I'm not worried about the risks. I'm more worried that someone's hand will get hacked off because I want to make a few franklins. Which makes me want to go ahead and do the presentation , but do a really bad job so that no one buys shares in this guy's efforts.

Or perhaps I should just ask him what he thinks of the situation. I don't know where to turn. What do you guys think?

Sincerely, A Conflicted Pauper

On a completely different note, be sure to check out the latest relationship column over on the advice side of the website. I'm going to get Brad and Helena to chime in as soon as they are able, though both are currently in their secret undisclosed locations. We'll see.

I am at a place where inaction is the easiest reaction, but it may be the wrong one. Please advise.

In the past two weeks, a past acquaintance has made contact with me. Now this guy was never more than an acquaintance. I was good friends with a couple who had gone to college with him, so for a six month period, we would find ourselves at the same engagements once a month or so. We never had any special bond and I don't even think we ever had a one-on-one conversation...We were just two people with mutual friends. He left my city about two years ago to take a job overseas and I hadn't heard from him since...until recently.

Two weeks ago, he called me at my office from Sri Lanka. We spoke briefly and he referred to a party we had both attended two years ago, saying it was fun. I concurred. He said he was planning to visit my city (he still has many actual friends still here) and I told him to drop me an email when he knew the dates. I mention the mutual friends, but he fails to bite on that as a conversation topic. Conversation ended, because, as he said, phone calls are expensive from Sri Lanka.

Several days later, he called me again, this time on my cell phone. My work voice mail has my cell phone on it so that people can reach me if they are on deadline (the message explicitly makes the distinction that you should leave a message unless it is urgent, in which case you should call the cell. This time he reiterates that he is coming to my city. I express less interest, but still tell him to let me know his plans. He again mentions party we both attended and says that he was high on E the whole time. I say oh, okay and we hang up.

Since the first call he has been sending me emails of articles and such...probably put me on some distribution list. I just delete them, no biggy. He also sent a schedule of his visit, but once again, it was to a large group. Then today he sent me a message just to me, talking about visiting the place he was born in Sri Lanka, blah, blah, and "did I mention that my father is a prince and so I guess I'm royalty," blah, blah, blah. He asks me to please not be reticent to write back.

So, what do I do? I'm not friends with the kid, and am not particularly interested in launching a friendship with him. He doesn't seem to be coming on to me, but at the same time mentioning his royal status might be trying to impress me? My own laziness and lack of interest would probably make me just ignore it all, but please tell me what you think.

Signed,
Dodging the Strange Man in a Strange Land

Helena replies:

...

Edward replies:

Okay, Artful Dodger, you've definitely got a problem on your hands. (Well, that could depend on the kid's wealth/size/craziness, I suppose.) The real frustrating part is that, if you're being completely honest, you have almost nothing to do with the current situation. Hypothetically, this guy must have encountered a moment in his travels when he thought of you. Maybe he was lonely and high, maybe he was having some family issues, maybe he had a head injury. Regardless of what caused his conversion to your cult, anyone who strikes up a conversation after a two year absence is treading on thin ice. If you were old friends who just hadn't kept in touch, it'd be different. But if he knew you for only six months before he departed overseas, and you didn't hang out much, chances are he got some sort of serious crush on you and never acted upon it. A pity, really, because if you had shut him down two years ago your current woes wouldn't exist.

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to be giving advice, right? Well, here goes. The kid's obviously nursed this crazy crutch around for some time, assuming he was infatuated with you over two years ago. When I think back to the privileged few in my past that I didn't hit on yet still found attractive (it's almost an oxymoronic statement, that!), I certainly can't imagine calling them up from a cell-phone half a world away years after the fact. Even if I were desperate to get back in touch with them, I might shoot them an e-mail saying that I had a good time at previous parties and since I was in town I'd like to hang out sometime. And then I'd keep my mouth (and fingers) silent until said return to town. Nothing say sketch quite like forcing yourself into someone else's life. And everyone knows this, including this supposed suitor. So your problem prince is either completely innocent of amorous intentions and just really annoying, or he's a love-starved lunatic looking for cross-world action. Either way, things don't look good.

But your egress routes are limited. Here's what I'd do: tolerate the bulk e-mails for now. Nothing you can do about that. As far as the personal phone-calls and letters are concerned: well, that's what voice-mail and e-mail shine at, right? The cell-phone bit is tougher, but as long as your callerid works, you can avoid his calls. And that's what you should do. Avoid talking to him at all costs. In e-mail, mention that you wouldn't mind hanging out with him and some friends.

And here's the rub: you do have to meet him. Simply blowing him off isn't appropriate. (Or a smart psych move, given his royal lineage. He might be quick-tempered.) Arrange to hang out at some affair with a group of other people. You didn't mention if you were seeing anyone currently...my guess is you aren't, in which case you'd still have to arrange for some guys to take charge of the 'situation'. You could either pretend to be going out with someone, or simply have them dominate the evening and act possesive towards you. Either woudl work. If, on the other hand, you are currently spoken for, simply invite your sig-o out with you, and let him do his male thing. Problem solved even more simply. The tough part is waiting until he's back in town to cut the cords: just pretend you're a famous celebrity with a stalker fan to take the edge off.

Brad replies:

...

The good news is that Brad finally got his act together and added his two cents to the existing advice columns. So now I can finally ask people what they thought. Better late than never, right? And there's one final advice piece I need to churn out. Too much work...too little time. I just remembered another review that I need to do. Argh! If only I managed to divorce myself from the pop-cultural zeitgeist for a few days....

I'm having a bit of an issue with this weekend's plans. My boyfriend is introducing me to his parents this weekend and I need some ideas about what to bring and what to wear.

The whole gift idea is a sensitive subject since I would like to make a good impression but not look like a suck up. Neither of them drink so I can't bring them a bottle of wine, which is often the standard. So I was thinking just flowers, but come on! Do people still do that? Help!

The other matter...the proper attire: I'm a bit of a tomboy so dressing up is a pain in my backside. But I feel like I should at least try and put my comfort aside and go the appropriate feminine route just to let my boyfriends parents know that--provided we end up together--I won't go running off with the next hot chick I see. Or, does it even matter. Should I just be happy that he likes me enough to introduce me to his parents? I guess the point of this question is: How important is it to impress the parents of your significant other?

Thanks for your help,
Pondering in Puzzlement

Helena replies:

I recently have gone through this, so I'll pass on some of my gained wisdom.

I think it is important to make a good impression, but as yourself. The most important thing is manners, not to impress them, but because you respect that they produced a guy you think is great and you weren't raised by wolves (we'll assume). You should treat his parents with respect and that means leaving the ratty-tatty jeans at home. It also means respecting that they are rational, non-judgmental people. They apparently raised a great son, so give them a little credit and assume going in that they could be cool people. That means that you don't have to conform to some image of the perfect girlfriend (i.e. leave the flouncy-wouncy dress at home also.) Be natural -- they'll pick up on the non-wardrobe things like how you interact with their son. If the meeting is happening at their home, and mom or dad is in the kitchen, offer to chip in -- it'll break the ice, ease your jitters, and it's just good manners.

So, for the concrete advice. Attire: Depending on the location, I think you would be safe in non-jeans pants and a nice sweater. Again, I think it's a mistake to assume that the parents will be critiquing your every move, but you want to come across as respectful. It's also safe to dress at roughly the same level as your boy. Gift: the bottle of wine is the easy standby, but I wouldn't do a sparkling cider or anything like that as a replacement -- it draws too much attention to their decision not to drink and makes it into a thing. Flowers are fine, if a little showy. I would choose a small bouquet of tea roses or something similar, but stay away from large, cellophane-wrapped assortments that feel like Valentine's Day or a first date. In general, I am a fan of edible gifts, because they don't hang around like a tacky potholder for years to come, and because everyone likes food. This works best if you are from a different area than they are and can bring a special regional treat. If nothing comes to mind on that front, it also works to bring coffee from your local coffeehouse (your favorite blend), cookies from a local bakery, etc. It takes away the kiss-up factor if you can say, "I had these the other day at a friend's and just loved them," or something like that. Makes it seem that rather than going and looking for a gift, a gift found you and you thought you'd share it. Most importantly, don't wrap the gift.

Finally, have fun while you're there and don't forget to send a thank-you note.

Edward's thoughts:

Well, PiP, I probably would say that Helena's comments are good, although I'd differ from them with a few key points. One, although it's important to "be yourself" when it comes to your boyfriend, there's really no reason not to try to impress his parents, even if it means acting a little less like yourself and a little more like Ms. Perfect. First impressions are important, and it's much better for them to come away with the "my god she's incredible" impression than the "she's kind of nice" opinion. So, yeah, go feminine, but classy. As far as gifts go, I agree that food is a good option, although I wouldn't make it myself (mainly because I'd mess it up) because if you purchase something it can end up tasting bad without reflecting upon your culinary abilities. Flowers are probably easier, and if you choose your favorite, then it's an easy way for them to associate you with something, e.g. "Pip? Oh yes, she's the daisy girl..." If the group is planning to go somewhere nice to dinner, be sure to bring an appropriate outfit, which may mean bringing one regardless if his parents are the spontaneous type who tend to make reservations without informing their son.

Also, with respect to the suck-up point: I can't imagine my parents, or anyone's parents, for that matter, thinking that a gift attempt was being a suck-up. Maybe it's that I can't imagine anyone purchasing a gift so lavish that it would make someone feel guilty. It's not as if you're purchasing jewelry, right? So don't sweat this part. Concentrate on being cheerful at his parent's house, and not demanding to spend every waking second with him alone. Helping with dinner, chopping wood, killing chickens, etc. can often ease the tension. Most important, no matter how much his parents cajole you, don't give into the temptation to talk about your significant other's flaws. Even if his mother starts to grouse about how lazy he is, and you know of several examples to support her thesis, either keep mum or mumble a vague platitude. Or two or three. Vagueness is your friend until you know them better.

Brad's opinion:

meeting the parents is similar to golf...a real waste of friggin' time. and if you are like me, and have done it several times, the nervousness and apprehension are pretty much gone. unless you get the house tour involving the gun closet (i have!) so your question is more a matter of tactics than strategy...you already have decided whether this guy is sticking around for a while or not, and so his concerns are bracketed.

so you can trash helena's suggestions and add them to the festering heap of refuse that passes for edward's comments. toss an oily rag on 'dat mess and step away. we're going into battle, not asking out our middle-school crush. parents know this too - they're sizing you up, and you better be ready to play.

first do a little scouting. mom's probably your biggest opponent, so find out as much info as you can about her beforehand. your outfit should be one that makes her proud, but not threatened. she's going to pick it apart for flaws regardless, thus try and find a happy medium between stunning and your actual wardrobe, so that she can neither assail you for trying too hard or for slobbing along.

at the event, steer conversation to topics that are close to ones you know are in the 'rents interest. especially if asked a tough question or a flaw is noticed. for instance, if they ask you about your future job plans, you could mention that you were doing A but considering B...if B is something that one of the parents used to love to do long ago! other tricks include flipping questions back "so what were you doing at his age?" or mentioning humorous, harmless stories about your sig. o "has bobby always made faces in photos?' parents love this banal crap. above all, don't compliment them, compliment the son.

and finally, like the marines. get in, blow things up, and get out. be sure to make the date a neutral location with a fixed, unmovable endpoint (meeting friends later, doctor appointment, or getting up early for work the next day) that way nobody gets hurt and you can leave 'em wanting more...just watch the hands, daddy-o! throw on those strappy sandals and kick some tail, pippy...

Why is it that "beer before liquor" makes you sicker than "liquor before beer"?

Edward responds:

Well, the adage you refer to is an unproven myth that may or may not be correct. Some limited scientific evidence (remember, the alcohol manufacturers aren't really concerned with the effects of their products, just like the tobacco producers) has led some people to conclude that carbonated beverages ease the absorbtion of alcohol into the bloodstream. Check out factoid #119 at this site which offers a limited explanation. If carbonation helps mainline the alcohol present in the beer in your stomach, the theory goes, it stays to help increase the speed that the liquor is then absorbed. In reverse, the liquor has no such absorbtion altering powers. This is, of course, almost pure hearsay: a sort of pseudo-science caused by lack of real data. Decreasing the amount of time one's body can absorb alcohol also will increase the odds of alcohol poisoning.

Helena's thoughts:

Brad's opinion:

use a little common sense Anon, and think about every drunk person you have ever known. those that were sick the next day either deliberately ignored their limits, or simply lost track during the night. let's ignore the sadists, and concentrate on the problem of losing track. no matter what you start with, by the time you switch, you will already be drunk. so your ability to know your limit is heavily impaired. in this state, one type of beverage will take longer to consume, require increased trips to the bathroom, and generally fill you up so that drinking more is difficult. that liquid is beer. so those that go from liquor to beer will take longer to drink and generally consume less alcohol than the other way around. that's what it comes down to in the end - simply the amount rather than the type of alcohol. now you are in the clear...so stay sick!

And then there's North Korea, a brutal dictatorship with weapons of mass destruction. Not to mention our close friend and ally Egypt, where 63 year old Saad Ibrahim has just been sentenced to seven years hard labor, for the crime of promoting democracy by teaching Egyptians how to vote and monitor elections. And Pakistan, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia--the list goes on and on. Don't you interventionists care about the suffering and oppressed peoples of those countries? Shouldn't we send in the troops, as soon as possible?

...

So why are we so focused on Iraq, when there are abuses and outrages and oppression all over the world? What sets Iraq apart, and necessitates a commitment of billions of dollars and untold lives?

Well, gosh, this isn't rocket science, is it?

Iraq has the world's second largest oil reserves, and U.S. oil companies are already salivating at the prospect of divvying them up.

I'm a hawkish democrat interventionist, and yes, damn it, we do need to promote democracy in places that don't contain the world's second largest oil reserves. Egpyt and Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Russia. Afghanistan. North Korea. The list is not infinite. There are a limited number of countries that need to change. Whatever doctrine that needs to be created can be created to deal with this. What's better, is that if we had a history of bosnia behind us, or if we had successfully intervened in rwanda, perhaps things might seem more justified now in Iraq. Presidents typically fight the battles they feel they can win. Before September 11th, the taliban was allowed to subjugate women, destroy religious idols and do as they pleased in the name of "stability". Post September 11th, Laura Bush started talking about the plight of afghan women. Come on. The danger in tom's statements is that it leads to a sort of moral isolation, an uber-relativism where everything outside our borders is too risky to take action on. This, in turn, means that only "strategic interests" occupy the mind of the president at national security briefings. Guess where this leads? That's right, to only invading countries with rich oil reserves. Instead, if we pushed the bushies to take on every evil-doer, we might run them into a wall.

It's the sort of place where Ralph Reed and the Hause of Saud get together and fight. Christian conservatives form a large part of Bush's base, and Karl Rove would have a fit if everyday people woke up, smelled the oil and decided that their president had put money ahead of morality. No one sees complicated issues in black and white better than Republicans. What better foil than to point out their own hypocrisy?

finally, in the particular column itself, NiN asks: is this website secure? i'm a little baffled by the question, but if she's referring to the ability of people to hack in and change answers, I think that it's fairly secure. i haven't shown helena and brad how to use the secure entry page yet...but i will this evening. that way you can be sure that all ifnromation will be sent encrypted both to and from the website. of course, since all the information is going to be publically posted anyway, encryption is a little overkill, except to prevent man-in-the-middle attacks, which i'm not going to go into right now.

you'll also notice that the standard author format isn't continued for the advice pages. i may take them off the "latest" section block if they become too numerous, but for now, since all three of us contribute to each response, i'm simply hiding the field from view. some people have requested that the latest box contain the section/subsection information as well...and i'm thinking about implementing this. right after i finish the news section, okay? (that monkey has been crawling on my back longer than gene autry's fabled baseball team's bad luck run!) finally, if you think that the opinions on the advice page are poor or don't solve your problem, head over to the always-fun frequently asked questions page to see why we gave you such lousy advice. everyone should take everything with a grain of salt, right? none of this is meant to be taken too seriously...